Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Tumbling down the rabbit hole



I analyze each passing year, though never reach to/make any decisions to change the flow of anything. I have been too lazy if you want to say so or too much of a believer of destiny that I have let the water find its own course even if there are obstacles that need to be overcome instead of meandering around. Yesterday one of the team members (from another company) sent me an appreciation on completion of the project. He stated that I had maintained a cool head even when there were many issues and he liked the fact that instead of going for escalations I had handled the issues on my own with a good rapport with the whole team. I had replied to him that I was not a person who liked the idea of escalations and preferred the policy that things do go bad, but they turn out to be good eventually. After replying I sat back for a moment and pondered as to this ‘appreciation’ can as well be ‘criticism’ that I had not followed the rules laid out and had not done what all others do, i.e., escalate to the higher management. Well I didn’t, and I am really not sure if it was good or bad. I lost my passport last month and all colleagues have been more stressed on the incident than me. Everyone stills keeps asking me how come I am calm on losing an important document. I am not boasting here because I am not actually that cool headed. I assume I was the cool headed guy say 5-6 years back when friends had nicknamed me chameleon as I could slip superficially into any desired mood, mostly to pull a prank on someone and no one was able to figure out what is going on in my head. Now they do, and I hate it. I don’t like that someone can peep into my mind now, which I had successfully blocked so many years.

I have been observing that I lose my cool more now than the Sudeep who was 5-6 years back. It was not an over the night transformation, but over the years this change has taken place. Earlier when someone used to jump a traffic signal I used to shake my head and call him by a flop actor’s name (most preferred was Uday Chopra). Now when some idiot does the same thing I shout at him stopping only after throwing a few abuses. I seriously think I might end up beating the shit out of someone on the road these days. Sample this incident which happened 2 years ago. I was at a small kiosk outside the company premises for buying a soft drink which a colleague wanted. The vendor handed me over the bottle and I gave him 25 bucks for the bottle priced at 23. I waited for a minute for him to hand me the change, but on asking he refused stating that the price is 25. I showed him the printed price and demanded the 2 rupees which he flatly refused again under the pretext of refrigeration charges. If this had occurred 4 years back I would have convinced myself that the poor fellow needs the small amount more than me. But I was almost short of exchanging blows with him. It was not just the 2 rupees I was fighting for, but the way he was looting everyone. Had it not been the colleague who was waiting for the soft drink, I would have not bought the bottle and even enacted the Dombivli Fast scene in which the lead actor batters the shop facing a similar incident. I don’t remember having any nightmares earlier. I could just pick up someone known/unknown (even the blogger buddies) before closing my eyes and then in the dreams we would be jogging on a hill to reach a fort or be on a safari ride. Now the people in the dreams hurt each other, mentally and physically. I dislike the violence and the gory deaths, even if they are not real.

Like MJ said in the movie, everybody needs help sometimes, Peter, even Spider-Man. I am waiting for help from someone, and it could be you, a divine intervention or it could be me as well. This time I am not going to let the water flow in the direction it wishes to, but will make sure to get it back on the earlier course. I am going to climb out of the rabbit hole and you will love the old Sudeep again. It is a promise.

3 comments:

teacup said...

Hello! :) Well, I know what you mean, and I'll say, I hate it, but I feel the good in me is depleting, and I feel it's a "age" thing. We all need a break from life...some time alone to sort out our priorities, our values and our lives :)

Parag said...

Not losing your cool, and being calm are two different things. You may be not losing your cool, but as you said you would be blocking your real emotions. That is a good and a bad thing. Good because you are in control. Bad because you are bottling up.

So you are probably letting off the bottle cap. That happens once every few times, so don't worry you are doing good :)

And I think with age comes a bit of arrogance, which is inevitable.

Sudeep said...

Reading the post now I realize that there are so many 'tense' errors in it he he.

@Teacup: I am not sure if I should label it as an age thing, though it is more convenient to blame it as of now.

@Parag: Your art conversations are sure rubbing onto you :). Your words do make sense to me for a good part of it.